clean! That’s what I have right now. Just like everyone else though, I only have this moment. Today. Who would have ever thought I would go to rehab in Las Vegas? The place wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but it ultimately saved my life. I’ve been home now a little over two weeks and I’ve gained some things back. A car, clothes, food, and most importantly, trust. There is a lot at stake now. More than just my clean time and peace of mind. I’ve got some goals in mind and I need to reach them. I want a job and need to save up money I want freedom and stability. I want a clear mind and trust in me. I want to do the right thing. This is my life now. One day at a time.
As I fight this battle in which I’ve struggled with for six years, one thing remains the same… Other people’s judgement. My life is mine, and my choices led me here. I can only try to do better. I just hate when people don’t understand the nature of addiction and mental health issues. It doesn’t become what it is overnight, nor can someone fix it overnight. What’s really frustrating is seeing those that have basically done and felt the same shit, judge those currently dealing with it. We all have a fucked up side of us… To judge would make you the biggest of hypocrites.
We fell in love about two and a half years ago and have been together through just about everything. We met in a dark time during our lives, and helped each other get out into the light. Things were good in the beginning. We obsessed over each other, found every way to be together, talked all the time, and constantly said “I love you.” As time went on, our weakness for drugs came to the surface and consumed us. Our love for each other turned into a love for the needle and the consequences quickly followed. We got high everyday together for about a year or more, and we saw no way out even though we didn’t want to live this way anymore. A couple months ago we went to detox together and tried to do the right thing, but a few days after, we got high again. It quickly became a habit yet again. We lost everything in this process of becoming junkies. We lived in the car, could barely afford gas or food, but we always had drugs and each other. Recently, we lost our jobs and made efforts of desperation to get dope. Now I sit here, not sure what to do next. The law won and he is incarcerated. I should focus on myself and get and stay clean, but I worry about him too. Once he gets out he will literally have nothing and no where to go. I must treat myself better and focus on getting better though. I have prayed very hard for us to get through these times, and can only hope for a better future. Drugs aren’t an option anymore. I choose life over a slow death. I just don’t know what tomorrow brings, and the waiting is torture.